Dear Data...

Dear Data,

It is seven a.m. Tuesday, May 17th and I'd like to have a little chat with you. Today is a day like many others and I thought I'd take a minute to send you a note telling you what I had in store for you today.

The day will begin by my reviewing the fifty or so emails about you which have accumulated in my inbox over the last 13 hours. Most people go home at the end of the day and stop sending emails but for some reason or another the scripts which manage you have decided to send me emails telling me that "all is well" or "all hell has broken loose and I'm broken". Many years ago I created a little system called the "log shark" when I was in a similar situation and let me tell you, receiving one email from the "log shark" instead of the dozens of other emails was much, much better. Perhaps it's time to get the "log shark" out of the toolbox and allow it to feed so I can get my inbox back in shape...

I've got two meetings, each scheduled for one hour to talk about you. Can you imagine that? I bet if my wife and I spent two hours a day talking about our kids the poor children would ask to go live with Grandma and Grandpop. I always wonder if you know what we are up to when I grab my notebook and head into the conference room. Do you know it's you we're talking about? Does it bother you that I'm singing "I bet you think this song is about you, don't you, don't you?"...

I've got about thirty open trouble tickets on you with my name assigned to them and as my good old friend Forest Gump says "That's all I want to say about that".

I've got a project due on Monday which takes some of you out of a series of tables, mangles you and transforms you and then pushes you back into a different series of tables. I've heard stories of soldiers being punished by moving mountains of dirt from one side of a field to another and back again and back again. Have you heard these same stories and are you trying to punish me?

I've just gotten another email from a client titled "review draft briefs" on you. Now, I know we are old friends and I've been working with you for a very long time, but I don't think we're really at the point in our relationship where I should be looking at your briefs. Can we keep this at a professional level please?

Since we're such good and old friends, I'm hoping you can do me just one favor, please? Can you decide to work with me today and not against me? Help me help you, after all, we're putting in all this effort so you can look top notch and be awesome when your shown off in applications and reports. So lend me a hand would you? After all, you did "have me at hello"...

We're on the same team here and I'm hoping you get this message and you understand why I'm always grabbing you and shaking you until all your valuables fall onto the floor. I beg of you to please let your indexes be swift, your IO not contentious and your rows not chain so you and I can provide value all day long today...

Until next time...Rich

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